This Florida Man Is What's Wrong with America

Most anglers have had this thought driving past the retention ponds that dot suburban America, and I admit that I’ve succumbed to that curiosity more than once in my life.

Two days before graduating from college, I and my then-girlfriend (and soon-to-be-wife) dodged pimply-faced campus security guards to cast a line into the scummy pond students affectionately called Lake Bob. Turns out, chicken liver can seduce even the most lethargic catfish, and Motorola Razr phones take awesome pictures.

Marriage, kids, grad school, and a 401K have failed to cure me of this disease. A few years ago, in search of an easily accessible place to fish with my five- and seven-year-old children, I drove to another retention pond inside a swanky subdivision/golf course. Before you ask, there were no “No Trespassing” signs, gates, or fences. The spot had been recommended to me by another local angler, and we were the only people there.

We had a great time. We caught bluegill right away, and I had my hands full re-worming hooks and untangling lines. But our joy was short-lived. A golf cart rolled up a few minutes later and very politely asked us to leave. The pond was for community residents only, the golf cart driver said, and we were trespassing.

Delighted to see Dad finally be the one to get in trouble, my kids were tickled by the entire experience–the fish and the golf cart. I appreciated that the security guard was so genial. He said we could catch a few more fish before we packed up, though he made clear that unless I could afford a home in the “community,” we were never to return.

Not everyone is so lucky. In the Tampa Bay neighborhood of Starkey Ranch, a resident brandishing a knife confronted two boys as they were leaving a local pond.

“I was about to ask to pet his dog, too, but I waved hello to him. Next thing you know, without saying a word, he whips out his knife and starts cursing at me and starts chasing me around,” Luke Hatcher told WFTS Tampa Bay.

The boys ran away, but Hatcher pulled out his phone and filmed the confrontation. As they were fleeing, the man took a quick break at the mailbox to see if his new knife catalog had arrived (I assume).

“He chased us the first time, and then, in between it all, he decided to check the mail. Took a mail break. And then decided to chase us again,” Hatcher said.

The video, along with the address number on the mailbox, allowed authorities to identify the knife-wielding assailant, a man named Edward Cullum. Cullum was arrested, but it’s unclear what charges he will face.

I should make clear at this point that I’m not advocating for trespassing. As with hunting and fishing on any kind of private land or water, it’s better to ask permission than forgiveness. Don’t trespass to fish, and if you’re ever told to leave, don’t go back again. You never know what kind of psycho is peering through Venetian blinds just waiting for an excuse to put that concealed carry license to good use.

There are also easy places to fish that are free and open to the public. Here in Texas, Texas Parks and Wildlife operates stocked ponds specifically designed for kids. You might run into the odd adult looking to fill his freezer, but the ponds are re-stocked regularly, and we’ve had good success.

Still, if you’re somehow in the position of policing a containment pond, neighborhood lake, or office park floodway, remember that not everyone can afford a boat. Not everyone has parents who will take them fishing, and not everyone can access the public waterways that many of us take for granted. If you run into a passel of kids casting into the only body of water they can get to, do us all a favor and leave the handgun at home.

To put it another way, be like golf cart security guard, not Edward Cullum. Get out and do some fishing yourself, and maybe you’ll learn that the real point of a pond isn’t to install a nice water feature or “flood mitigation” (whatever that is). It’s to catch fish.

Editor's Note: The original version of this article stated that another Florida man, Kyle Tate, pulled a gun on a group of kids while they were fishing. That reporting was based on a police affidavit, which Mr. Tate's attorneys say is false. Instead, according to Mr. Tate's own account, he walked up to them with an unloaded, break-action shotgun. The state attorney has since declined to file charges, and the case was subsequently dismissed. We sincerely and with all appropriate humility apologize for the error.